Consent

Consent – one of the most important parts of sex and until a few years ago I don’t remember really hearing the word. Nowadays sex should not be discussed without consent. Because sex without consent is sexual assault.  So what exactly is consent you ask? According to Scarleeteen, consent is a voluntary, sober, imaginative, enthusiastic, creative, wanted, informed, mutual, honest and verbal agreement. It is an active agreement, an enthusiastic “yes” and not just the absence of “no”.  Consent cannot be coerced, forced, involve pressure, intimidation or threats. If someone is under the influence of alcohol or drugs they cannot legally give consent. It can never be implied or assumed. It doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship, consent must be present for every sexual activity. In fact, the most common forms of sexual assault occurs between intimate partners (about 80-85% of sexual assault cases the offender is known to the victim). Here are some other common myths about sexual assault from CCASA (Calgary Communities Against Sexual Assault)

How or why is consent sexy?  Because open lines of communication with your partner during sex to make sure all parties are happy and enjoying each activity is sexy! Making sure the other person feels safe and satisfied is sexy! Checking in regularly with your partner shows that you respect them and you respect yourself not to do something to someone that they don’t consent to. Respecting other people is …. you guessed it… sexy!

There are people who are not sure how to identify consent if its not a simple “yes” to an activity. Laci Green has a great video on consent 101   and I highly recommend you watch the 6 min video. It will show you ques on how to ask for consent as well as how you know someone is giving consent. Laci Green is a fantastic resource for all things sexuality and has a ton of fun and informative short videos. Definitely subscribe! You can do it here.

My favourite example of consent is in this video “Consent is as simple as tea”. It goes through a variety of situations on how things can change from minute to minute and that is OKAY! It is a great video to help you understand consent. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

So next time you are not sure about consent, just think of it as a cup of tea! 🙂

Distracted driving at its most pleasurable

An article posted by mashable.com shows us the dangers of distracted driving.  We have all been stuck in traffic bored while we wait to reach our destination at an unbearable rate. Although its illegal to be distracted while driving, many of us can admit we have texted our friends and/or check social media while we roll forward. Unfortunately that is pretty common. What about some of the crazier things people have been caught doing while driving? Like putting on makeup

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or reading a book

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or playing the saxophone.

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What about masturbating while driving? A lady in England was reported to have been furiously using a rabbit-style vibrator while driving her mini-cooper when she lost control of her car and crashed into the back of a seafood van. Apparently her car was low enough to the ground that anyone with a truck or SUV could look into her window and see her enjoying herself. The truck driver was worried he would get fired as a result of the crash but all his boss asked him was, “did you see the video?” The seafood truck happened to be equipped with a camera that caught the whole thing on tape.

Lesson learned? Dont masturbate and drive if you can’t keep your eyes on the road while being pleasured at the same time.

Mysterious hanging dildos in Portland

A story posted by gawker.com on July 14, 2015 that number of sex toys (mainly dildos) are hanging from power lines all over Portland. The multicoloured dildos are strung together in pairs and hung around the city.

dildos in Portland

They are like the new aged pair of shoes dangling from above.  I wonder who decorated the city? It would be quite the sight to see! How fun would that be explaining to your inquisitive kids? Haha…I can imagine not fun for many. How would you react? Blush? Laugh? Take pictures? I would definitely take a picture with the caption “That’s where I left my dildo!”

Lets talk about slut shaming

Almost everyone and their dog has heard or seen the video of the Stampede threesome. If you haven’t I will break it down for you: On Sunday July 5, 2015 someone recorded a video of 1 female and 2 male engaging in a threesome in public without their consent. The picture and video went viral in a few hours and the female was identified shortly after.

alexis

Since then the female, Alexis Frulling, has spoken out about what happened, created a youtube page (that has over 1 million hits in a week),  has been interviewed by a few radio stations and had a song written for her.  Although there are people defending her actions or supporting her with the amount of slut shamming she has to deal with, there are way more  people calling her a slut for what she was caught doing. Surprise, surprise! The men involved in the act have not been identified or barely mentioned (at least in a negative context) since it happened. If anything they are getting 5 highs from their peers and Alexis is getting hit up more than ever by guys wanting to get together with her because they think she will be an easy lay. Alexis has handled this attention the best of only two ways it could really go. She has owned and embraced what has happened, is not ashamed of it and is sticking up her middle finger to her haters. To me, this is a much better outcome than the other which, with the amount of slut shaming, could push someone to suicide because of the all the negative attention and cyber-bullying this viral video has received (just like Amanda Todd and Rehtaeh Parsons) .

There are a few perceived issues with this. For some, the fact that she engaged in a threesome is where the issue lies as this is why they are calling Alexis Frulling “a slut”. Yet for the men involved they get a high 5 and are praised for it. Another issue is the fact that this threesome was during the day, supposedly down at the Stampede grounds where families and kids could see. The final issue is how Alexis has dealt with it by capitalizing on the attention and doing interviews and guest appearances, creating a youtube channel for her “lovers and haters” and the fact she is owning her sexuality and her “no fucks given” attitude about the situation.

I have zero issues with three consenting adults engaging in any sexual act. There are many people who would agree with me. This act happened outside for the public to see which was rumoured to be at the Stampede grounds where thousands of visitors (including kids) go. I think the exact whereabout still needs to be confirmed so some of the negative nelly’s out there can back off her grill for it being where kids could have seen. What if it was in a back alley and there happened to be 1 person who walked by and saw and it just so happened that it was that ONE person who filmed and uploaded it. Sex happens all the time at lots of music festivals which are mostly outside. Just as vice.com pointed out in their article about this: who here has ever had sex with a friend? Who has ever had sex outside? Who has either had a threesome or fantasized about having one? I bet you can agree with at least one, if not two of these acts. Alexis just happened to do all three!

To me, the fact it was at a family festival outside during the day is where people have a lot of issues. What about the fact that there were three….yes THREE people stabbed at stampede ON THE MIDWAY where children definitely were? What if that was filmed and shared all over social media? Society has such an issue with sexuality but yet no problem if their kids see someone get their head blown off or violence on T.V. or in movies. How messed up is that? You can’t show a nipple in a PG movie but yet you can show someone being killed. We live in a world where we would much rather deal with seeing violence than sex in public. I don’t get it.

Yes, having a three some in broad daylight was probably not the best idea only because there is the risk that someone will see. However, for me the biggest issue is people slut-shaming the only female involved. First let’s define what that is. Slut-shaming is being labeled a sexually promiscuous girl or woman (a “slut”, “whore” or “ho”) and then being punished socially for possessing this identity. It’s what we call a women when we don’t approve or like the way she expresses her sexuality. Slut shaming is a sexist way to control women’s behaviour by making girls and women feel guilty for existing as a sexual being.

Slut-shaming is sexist because only girls and women are called to task for their sexuality, whether real or imagined; boys and men are congratulated for the exact same behavior. This is the essence of the sexual double standard: Boys will be boys, and girls will be sluts. Can you say DOUBLE STANDARD? This picture says it all:

slut

This is exactly what we are seeing with the stampede threesome. I read hundreds of comments on various posts and pictures about the incident and I couldn’t find any negative comments about the males involved. They were engaging in the exact same act yet they do not receive any of the same negative energy. Slut-shaming has become normalized and omnipresent. With technology today slut-shaming is easier than ever to accomplish. Young men can take pictures of unconscious women with their phones and share it with friends or post to their social media accounts without the women’s consent. This is illegal in Canada. I have read too many stories of women hearing about their picture surfacing on social media from someone else. These pictures and/or videos have ruined some of the victims lives because of the slut-shaming that happened afterward. Their friends, families, and jobs have found out about this and the embarrassment and cyberbullying was too much for them to handle.

Slut-shaming is not only harmful because of the name-calling and being publicly identified itself can be traumatic which is proved in the number of slut-shamed suicides. Another reality that comes with labelling a woman as a “slut”, “whore”, or “ho” is she becomes a target for sexual assault. If she becomes sexually assaulted, there is a chance she might not be believed because she has been previously assigned the “slut”, “whore”, or “ho” label that rationalizes the crime and protects the assaulter. The number of unreported sexual assault crimes continue to rise because the victims do not want to come forward and risk not being believed. This is a problem! It doesn’t matter if someone has had sex once or 100 times, if there is no consent that is called sexual assault.

Slut-shaming in new aged sexism where men are expected to be sexually adventurous, and women are not. Women need to be able to embrace their sexuality and not be judged for it. For me, the issue is not of the actions that happened in the video, but the reactions as a result of it. It takes a lot of strength and and self confidence to own what you have been caught doing and Alexis did that and all the power to her. She is owning her sexuality and riding the wave and I think thats the best outcome we could see.

Here are some tips to stop sexual shaming:

1. Being sexual does not make you a bad person. A woman should not feel ashamed for sleeping with someone (or 2) in this case.

2. Having consensual sex with another adult (or two or more) is not wrong.

3. We do not need to sexually shame her.

Alexis, you were unfortunately the target of an online public sex act  that has gone viral in a matter of days. I applaud you for how you have dealt with the negative attention and owned your shit. Sex is public is not a new thing especially at a music festival where it happens ALL the time ALL over the world. You just happened to be caught on camera and it spread like wildfire. Ride that wave, girl! Slut-shaming is real and it needs to be stopped.

 

Here I am…

Hello!

I am super excited to finally have my blog up and running! This has been a long time coming and a lot of learning on how to set this up for someone who isn’t tech savvy. So bear with me as I get the kinks out. 🙂 I have always had an interest in sex as long as I can remember. I would stay up late at night and watch the Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue Johanson and be enthralled by this women talking about sex for a living.  Talking about everyone’s favourite subject…how fun would that be?! Sue always looks like she is having a good time … case in point below haha.

sue

I was always one of those kids that “didn’t know what they wanted to be when they grew up”. I had friends who went into business because they thought that once they were taking classes they would figure it out from there. I was never one to waste time in school not knowing what I wanted to do. So instead, I worked meaningless retail jobs and spent money travelling when I could. I travelled to China, Vietnam, Thailand (a couple of times), Argentina and to Japan. There is definitely a love of Asia here! I have been to Japan a few times in the past 5 years (since I am half Japanese) and had family living there. Japanese culture fascinates me and more specifically their attitudes towards sexuality. But I will save that for another post!

It wasn’t until the last 5 years that I realized you could make a living out of a passion and fascination for sex. The problem was with Calgary being more conservative there are not many jobs here and no schools to receive specific sex education. So without undergraduate programs in Calgary that major in Sexuality I decided to go back to school for Sociology. I had taken an intro class and had my mind blown by the teacher. I realized I finally found a subject that interested me enough to concentrate in it. Long story short, I was working full time and going to school but after 2.5 years and only taking 2-3 classes a semester, I realized trying to finish this degree was a lot harder than I thought with everything else going on in my busy life. I made the decision to quit my degree and find other schooling that concentrated on Sexual Health. During this time I began volunteering with the Calgary Sexual Health Centre in 2009. For the first two years I was very active in staffing their information booths at different local sex positive events and helped assemble love (aka condom) packages that we gave away during different events. I have been an annual volunteer to walk in the Pride Parade every Sept 1 and staff their booth at the Taboo Sex Show.  They have a great volunteer training program that covers all the sexual health basics you need to know for the role – anatomy, puberty, birth control, STIs, and pregnancy. This was my first introduction to a formal setting for learning sexual health information and I swear I was smiling ear to ear that entire weekend. Jump ahead to a couple of years ago, I decided I needed to get some more hands on experience with sex ed since I wasn’t getting the return I had hoped for. So I applied to work at a sex store. You might think this idea would have come to me sooner, but to be honest I never really thought of it until one day I literally had a light bulb moment. I went to the website of the most known sex store I knew of – A Little More Interesting and right there on the homepage it said they were hiring.  Lucky me! I worked there for almost a year and a half and learned a lot. You learn more just from talking to people than you could from a book. I started to listen to sex podcasts and thought, “I think I can do this”. I am not a huge public speaker because I turn beat (and I mean BEAT red) whenever I have to speak in front of people. Group presentations were my least favourite part of university. However, speaking behind a microphone and only being audio recorded sounded right up my alley. I was always told I had a very distinctive laugh and one that should be on radio commercials. Not sure if I totally believe it but I guess you can be the judge of that and let me know if I live up to the hype. I started to do my research on how to get one going and a year later here I am…finally getting my podcasts recorded and my blog up and running to post them!

I have also been going to school for Sexual Health Education through Options For Sexual Health in Vancouver. The only place in Canada where you can get a Sexual Health Certificate. I finally found the path towards my future! It is a great feeling when that happens. I feel like I have a purpose in life. I am the friend everyone is comfortable talking to about sex, asking questions, sharing inappropriate information or jokes and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

So that’s me in a (long winded) nut shell… not sure if that even makes  sense haha but you know what I mean. Just a 20 something self-identified pervert who wants to share her love and passion for all things sex with you!